Widowed or grieving

When someone you love dies, the loneliness can be overwhelming. You miss one person, and it can feel like the whole world has gone quiet. Friends may come at first, then go back to their lives while you are still in the middle of it.

There is no right way to grieve and no deadline. This page is for anyone grieving: a husband, wife or partner, a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, even a beloved pet.

Why grief is so lonely

• The person you'd turn to is gone. Often the one you'd talk to about something this hard is the one who died.
• Others don't know what to say, so some say nothing or stay away.
• Your daily life changes. Meals, evenings, weekends and holidays were shaped around them.
• Couple friends may drift. Widowed people often say they feel like a "fifth wheel."
• Grief can be invisible. People expect you to be "better" after a few weeks or months.
• Grief may have started long before. If you cared for someone through a long illness, you may have been grieving for a long time already. This is called anticipatory grief. Caregiving can also cut you off from friends, so you may face the loss already isolated.

The first year

The first year brings many "firsts": the first birthday, anniversary, holiday and season without them. Some people say the second year is hard too, when the support fades and the reality sets in.

Things that may help:

• Accept help with meals, errands, paperwork and the house. People often want to help but don't know how. Give them specific jobs.
• Keep a few routines: getting up, getting dressed, a short walk, regular meals.
• Postpone big decisions like selling the house if you can, until you can think more clearly.
• Look after your body. Grief is exhausting. See your doctor if you can't sleep or eat, or for a check-up. Don't stop or change any medicine without talking to your doctor or pharmacist.
• Talk about the person. Say their name. Tell stories. Let friends know you want to hear about them, not avoid it.

Anniversaries and hard days

Birthdays, the date of the death, wedding anniversaries and holidays can bring a wave of grief, sometimes days before.

• Plan ahead, so the day doesn't ambush you. Decide whether you want company or quiet.
• Make a small ritual: visit a special place, cook their favorite meal, light a candle, give to a cause they cared about.
• Tell a friend the date matters to you and ask them to check in.
• Allow yourself to change traditions. It's okay to do holidays differently now.

Where to find support

Hospice bereavement programs

Hospices offer grief support to the families of people who died in their care, often for about a year or more. Many hospices also open grief support groups and workshops to anyone in the community, free of charge, even if your loved one was never in hospice. Call a hospice near you and ask.

Grief support groups

Sitting with others who understand can be a deep relief. You can listen without speaking until you're ready.

• Hospitals, hospices, funeral homes and community centers often host groups.
• GriefShare is a 13-week grief support program run by Church Initiative, a Christian ministry. Groups meet at churches and online. It's a good fit for people who want a faith-based approach. Search for a group at griefshare.org.
• Many faith communities of every tradition offer their own grief support or visiting. See Religious and spiritual communities.
• Groups for specific losses also exist, such as for parents who lost a child or people who lost someone to suicide or overdose. See Support groups and peer support.

Widowed peer groups

Other widowed people often understand in a way others can't.

• Soaring Spirits International is a nonprofit run for and by widowed people. It offers local social groups, a widowed pen pal program, an online community, and Camp Widow events (soaringspirits.org). Check its site for any costs.
• Senior centers and faith communities sometimes have widowed or "new beginnings" groups.

Talking to someone one-on-one

A grief counselor or therapist can help, especially if your grief feels stuck. See Getting help. If you'd like a friendly voice, see Someone to talk to.

When grief doesn't ease

For most people, grief slowly softens, even though it never fully goes away. For some, it stays very intense for a long time and makes daily life hard, often a year or more after a death. This is sometimes called complicated grief, or prolonged grief. It's not a weakness, and help works. Talk to your doctor or a grief counselor.

Grief can also turn into depression. See Depression and loneliness.

Please get help right away if you:

• Think about ending your life or want to "join" the person who died
• Are drinking or using drugs much more to cope
• Can't take care of yourself or others who depend on you

Call or text 988 in the U.S., or see Need to talk right now?.

Rebuilding, gently

Over time, many people find that new connections sit alongside their love for the person they lost, not in place of it.

• Say yes to small invitations, even if you leave early.
• Try one group or class, especially something you didn't do together, so it's yours.
• Volunteer for a cause they cared about.
• Reconnect with friends you saw less while caregiving. See Reconnecting.

If you're now living alone, see Living alone. If you're an older adult, see Older adults (60 and over).