Lonely older relatives

As people get older, their world can shrink. Friends move away or die. Driving stops. Hearing fades. A spouse needs care, or is gone. Many older adults don't complain, because they don't want to be a burden. So families often notice late.

The good news is that small, steady things help, and many of them are free. This page is about what you, as family, can do. If you are the older person, see Older adults (60 and over).

Signs to watch for

• They mention not having talked to anyone for days.
• They've stopped going to things they used to enjoy, like church, clubs or the store.
• They call you more often, or much less often.
• The house, mail, food or personal care seem neglected.
• They seem confused, low, or more forgetful. (Have a doctor check this; it can have many causes.)
• They are drinking more, or sleeping a lot in the day.

Regular calls and visits

• Make it a ritual. A call every Sunday at 4 is easier to keep, and easier to look forward to, than "I'll call when I can."
• Share the load. Make a simple rotation with siblings, cousins or grandchildren, so someone checks in most days.
• Keep calls real. Ask about their day, what they're reading or watching, old stories. Ask for their advice or a recipe. Being useful matters.
• Visits don't have to be long. An hour of doing something together, like cooking, sorting photos, a short drive or a walk, often beats an afternoon on the sofa.
• Send things by mail. Cards, children's drawings and printed photos get looked at again and again.

Tech help, at their pace

Video calls, a family group chat or a digital photo frame can bring family closer. But only if they're set up well.

• Set it up for them, write simple steps on a card, and practice together.
• Choose one or two tools, not five.
• A tablet with large text and a simple video-call app is often easier than a phone.
• Watch for scams. Older adults who feel alone are targeted by fake "friends" and romance scams. Agree on a rule together: never send money or gift cards to someone met online, and call a family member first.
• Respect a "no". Some people just prefer the phone, and that's fine.

Check hearing and vision

Hearing loss makes conversation tiring and embarrassing, so many people quietly stop joining in. If your relative turns up the TV, asks people to repeat, or avoids groups and restaurants:

• Encourage a hearing test. Ask their doctor where to get one.
• Ask about hearing aids and costs; since 2022, adults in the U.S. with mild to moderate hearing loss can buy over-the-counter hearing aids without a prescription or exam. Their doctor or an audiologist can say what fits.
• Help them get used to new aids. Many people give up in the first weeks without support.

Poor eyesight can also keep people home. Regular eye checks matter.

Senior centers and local programs

Many communities have free or low-cost programs that most families never hear about.

• Senior centers: meals, classes, exercise, games, trips and company. Many offer rides.
• Eldercare Locator: call or text 1-800-677-1116, or search at eldercare.acl.gov (opens in a new tab), to find local services, including senior centers, meals, rides and caregiver support.
• Meals on Wheels: local programs bring meals to the door, often with a friendly visit and a safety check. Find yours at mealsonwheelsamerica.org (opens in a new tab).
• Places of worship, libraries and clubs: many run groups, visits or rides for older members.
• Volunteering: helping others is one of the best ways to feel needed. AmeriCorps Seniors has programs for people 55 and over. See Volunteering.

Friendly-visitor and phone-friend programs

A befriending service matches your relative with a volunteer who visits or calls regularly, just to chat. They go by names like "friendly visitor", "phone buddy", "telephone reassurance" or "senior companion". Ask the Eldercare Locator, the local Area Agency on Aging, or your relative's place of worship what exists nearby.

The Friendship Line

The Institute on Aging's Friendship Line (opens in a new tab) is a free, confidential line for people 60 and over, adults with disabilities, and caregivers. It's answered day and night at 1-888-670-1360. Spanish: 1-888-571-0411. Other languages are listed on its website. Write the number on a card by the phone.

Should you move closer, or should they?

Sometimes families wonder whether a move would solve it. It can, but not always.

Moving them closer to you can mean more visits and help. But it also takes them away from their doctor, neighbors, congregation and routines. Some older adults end up more alone in a new town where they only know you.

Moving yourself closer can work well, but it's a big change for your own family, job and friendships.

Senior housing or a retirement community can offer built-in company and activities, but costs vary a lot.

Before deciding:

• Ask what they want, and listen.
• Count how many people they know where they are now, versus where they'd go.
• Try a long visit first, if you can.
• Think about what happens if their health changes.

For much more on care, housing, money and planning, see our sister site, the free Aging Family Guide (opens in a new tab).

When to worry

Loneliness in later life can come with depression, which is not a normal part of aging. If your relative seems hopeless, stops eating, or talks about not wanting to live, talk to their doctor, and call or text 988 for advice. If they are in immediate danger, call 911.

Taking care of a relative can be lonely too. If that's you, see Caregivers.