New parents and single parents

Becoming a parent can be the most crowded and the loneliest time of life at once. You're never physically alone, but days can pass without a real adult conversation. Friends without kids drift. Your old routines vanish. And many parents feel they're supposed to be happy, which makes it harder to admit they're struggling.

You're far from the only one. In a 2020 Harvard survey, 51%U.S. mothers with young children reporting serious loneliness (Harvard, October 2020 survey)As of February 9, 2021.A small online survey taken during the pandemic; the authors call the data preliminary.Source: Harvard Making Caring Common: Loneliness in America of mothers with young children reported serious loneliness. Fathers and partners can feel it too.

New parents

Why it happens

• Long days at home with a baby who can't talk back
• Broken sleep that makes going out feel impossible
• Friends who don't have children and don't quite understand
• Leaving work, and the coworkers who came with it
• Changes in your relationship with your partner
• Feeling like you've lost who you were before

Postpartum depression and anxiety

Feeling weepy and up-and-down for a week or two after birth is common. But if low mood, anxiety, scary thoughts, or feeling numb or disconnected from your baby lasts longer or feels intense, it may be postpartum depression or anxiety. CDC data from 2018 found that about 1 in 8U.S. women with a recent birth who reported postpartum depression symptoms (CDC, 2018 data)As of May 15, 2020.13.2% in 2018, from a self-report survey. Rates varied a lot by state.Source: CDC MMWR: Postpartum Depressive Symptoms and Provider Discussions, 2018 women with a recent birth reported symptoms of postpartum depression. Partners, including fathers, can have it too. It is not your fault, and it is treatable.

Where to turn in the U.S.:

• Your doctor, midwife or your baby's pediatrician. They are used to these questions.
• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 1-833-852-6262 (1-833-TLC-MAMA). Free, confidential, 24 hours a day, in English and Spanish, with interpreters for other languages.
• Postpartum Support International (PSI) HelpLine: call 1-800-944-4773, or text 800-944-4773 (English) or 971-203-7773 (Spanish). You leave a message and a trained volunteer gets back to you. It is not a crisis line. PSI also runs online support groups led by trained facilitators, including groups for dads; check postpartum.net for the current list.

Single parents

Single parents carry everything: the money, the decisions, the night wakings, the school forms. There's often no one to hand the baby to or talk to after bedtime. Weekends when children are with the other parent can feel strangely empty.

Ideas that help:

• Trade help with another parent. Swap babysitting, school pickups or a meal once a week.
• Single-parent groups through community centers, libraries or faith communities.
• Ask for specific help. "Could you take the kids for two hours Saturday?" works better than "Let me know if you need anything."
• Use child-free time on purpose: a class, a walk with a friend, a team. Not just chores.

If you're newly separated, see After a breakup or divorce. If money is tight, see Money worries, job loss and low income.

Stay-at-home parents

Staying home can be meaningful work, but it can also mean weeks without much adult company.

• Build a weekly rhythm: story time at the library on Tuesday, the park on Thursday, a playgroup on Saturday.
• Go to the same places at the same times, so you see the same parents.
• Keep one thing that's just yours, even a small one: an online class, a book club, a volunteer hour.

How to find parent friends

It can feel like dating all over again. Some places to look:

• Library story times and baby groups (usually free)
• Parks and playgrounds at the same time each week
• Classes: baby music, swim, or parent-and-child exercise
• Breastfeeding and new-parent support groups at hospitals, clinics or community centers
• Faith communities with parent groups or nurseries
• Neighborhood groups for parents online, used carefully

When you click with someone, be brave: "We should get the kids together. Want to swap numbers?" Most parents are glad someone asked.

Things to avoid

• Comparing yourself to other parents online. Those photos are the highlights.
• Waiting to be "back to normal" before reaching out. Friends can visit a messy house.
• Doing it all alone because you think you should. Every parent needs help.

For parents worried about a child who seems lonely, see Lonely children and teens.