Ways to connect

Making friends as an adult

Why making friends gets harder after school, how many hours friendship takes, and how to turn acquaintances into real friends.

Do this first

Think of one person you already see often and like a little: a coworker, neighbor or someone from a class. Invite them to one short, specific thing this week, such as a walk or coffee at a set time.

If you find it hard to make friends as an adult, you are far from the only one. It is one of the most common things people say about adult life. It isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. The way adult life is set up makes friendship harder.

Why it's harder after school

In school, friendships form almost by accident. You see the same people every day, for hours, with free time in between. Adult life rarely gives you that.

  • Less unplanned time. Work, family, caregiving and chores fill the week.
  • Fewer repeated meetings. Friendship grows from seeing the same people again and again. Adults often meet people once and never again.
  • Moves and changes. New jobs, new towns, breakups, retirement and children all shake up who we see.
  • Everyone assumes others already have friends. So few people reach out first.

How long it takes

Friendship takes time. A study by communication researcher Jeffrey Hall, published in 2018, asked adults who had recently moved, and new college students, how much time they'd spent with new people. His rough estimates:

That's a lot of hours. It explains why a few nice chats don't make a friendship, and why it can take months. Hall also found that how you spend the time matters. Hanging out, joking, talking and doing things for fun counted more than working side by side.

The takeaway: don't give up after a few meetings. Friendship is slow for everyone.

The three ingredients

Friendship researchers often point to three things:

  1. Being near each other (proximity). You're likely to befriend people you see without much effort: neighbors, coworkers, classmates, regulars at the same place.
  2. Repeated contact. Seeing the same people again and again, ideally on a schedule. A weekly class beats a one-time party.
  3. Shared activity or interest. Doing something together gives you something to talk about and takes the pressure off.

Look for places in your life where all three come together. See Groups, hobbies, classes and clubs, Volunteering and Neighbors and third places.

Someone has to go first

Many friendships never start because both people wait for the other to reach out. Research offers some encouragement:

  • After a conversation, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them. This is called the "liking gap".
  • People also underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted, especially by someone they don't know well.

So when you reach out, the other person is often more pleased than you'd guess. It's worth being the one who goes first.

Turning acquaintances into friends

  1. Notice who you enjoy. Who do you feel easy around? Who laughs at your jokes, or asks about you?
  2. Make a specific invitation. "I'm walking around the lake Saturday at 9. Want to join?" is easier to accept than "we should hang out".
  3. Keep it short and low-pressure at first. Coffee, a walk, or arriving early to the same class.
  4. Follow up. Text after: "That was fun. Let's do it again."
  5. Be consistent. Turn a one-off into a habit: the same walk every other week, a monthly dinner.
  6. Open up a little at a time. Sharing small, honest things, and listening when they share, is how closeness grows.
  7. Show up when it counts. A message on a hard day or help with a move builds trust fast.

Friendship steps

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A realistic timeline

  • First month: a few friendly faces. You start to recognize people and they recognize you.
  • Two to six months: with regular contact, one or two people start to feel like casual friends.
  • Six months to a year or more: a real friendship or two may form.

Timelines vary a lot. They depend on how often you see people, your situation, and luck. Some people click fast. Some never click, and that's okay.

Mistakes to avoid

  • Waiting to be invited. Others are often waiting too.
  • Giving up after one awkward meeting. Early meetings are often a bit stiff.
  • Only meeting people once. Choose things that repeat.
  • Expecting one person to meet every need. Different friends fit different parts of life. Light contacts count too.
  • Keeping score too strictly. Some people are slower to reach out but still value you.

If it feels impossible

If you've tried and keep feeling stuck, you are not broken. Sometimes the problem is where you live, your work hours, money, health or caregiving. Sometimes fear or low mood gets in the way. These pages may help:

Sources

Last reviewed: October 9, 2026