Being alone well

Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing. Many people find that time by themselves can be restful, creative and even joyful, especially when they choose it and give it some shape. (See solitude versus loneliness.)

This page is not about replacing people. Everyone needs connection. It's about making the hours you do spend alone kinder to you.

Choosing your solitude makes a difference

A 2018 set of studies from the University of Rochester found that short periods alone, without phones or other activities, tended to calm people's strong feelings, both the excited ones and the anxious ones. When people chose to be alone, the time was more likely to feel relaxing. Choosing what to think about, or thinking about good things, helped keep their mood up.

So it helps to treat alone time as something you are doing on purpose, not just something happening to you.

Give your days a shape

Empty, unstructured days can make loneliness louder. A simple routine helps.

• Anchor points. Get up, eat and go to bed at roughly the same times.
• One outside moment. Step outside every day, even for five minutes.
• One "done" thing. Wash the dishes, pay one bill, fix one small thing. Finishing something feels good.
• One thing to look forward to. A favorite show at 8, a call on Sunday, a walk to the library on Tuesday.
• Weekends and evenings are often the hardest. Plan them a little ahead.

Make something

Creative work is good company. You don't have to be good at it.

• Drawing, painting, knitting, woodworking, baking, gardening, writing, music, photography, model building, fixing old things.
• Free tutorials at the library or online can get you started.
• Later, a class or group can turn a solo hobby into a way to meet people. See groups, hobbies, classes and clubs.

Write it down

Journaling helps many people sort out their thoughts. Some simple ways:

• Three lines a day: what happened, how you felt, one thing that was okay.
• A letter you won't send to someone you miss or are angry with.
• A gratitude list (see meaning, gratitude and purpose).
• Questions to yourself: "What do I need right now?" "What would I tell a friend in my place?"

Walk

Walking clears the head and gets you out among people, even if you don't talk. Try a loop through a park, a main street or a market. Nod or say hello to one person. See nature and the outdoors.

Cook for one

Many people living alone stop cooking. Cooking a simple meal for yourself is a small act of care.

• Cook once, eat twice: make a pot of soup, rice and beans, or a casserole and freeze portions.
• Set the table, even for one. Put on music.
• Try one new recipe a week.
• Share sometimes: bring extra to a neighbor, or join a community meal or cooking class.

See sleep, food and movement for more.

Be kind to yourself

Loneliness often comes with a harsh inner voice: "Something's wrong with me." Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three parts:

1. Self-kindness: speaking to yourself warmly, the way you would to a good friend, instead of with judgment.
2. Common humanity: remembering that struggling is part of being human. Many people feel alone, too. You are not the only one.
3. Mindfulness: noticing painful feelings as they are, without pushing them away or letting them take over.

A simple practice: put a hand on your chest, and say to yourself, "This is hard. Lots of people feel this way. May I be kind to myself right now." Neff's website offers free guided practices (opens in a new tab).

Mindfulness and quiet attention

Mindfulness means paying calm attention to the present moment. You can try it anywhere:

• Notice five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch.
• Eat one meal slowly, paying attention to taste and texture.
• Breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of six, a few times.

Libraries, community centers, hospitals and many religious communities offer free or low-cost classes.

Practices of solitude in many traditions

Many faiths and philosophies have long valued time alone. These are brief descriptions, in alphabetical order, for information only.

• Buddhist: many practice meditation alone or at retreat, and some see quiet as a way to see the mind clearly and grow in compassion.
• Christian: many value private prayer, retreats and contemplative practices; some follow the early "desert" monks and nuns who sought God in solitude.
• Hindu: many practice meditation (dhyana) and quiet repetition of a sacred name or mantra (japa), sometimes alone at dawn.
• Islamic: many value personal remembrance of God (dhikr), and some spend the last nights of Ramadan in a mosque in quiet devotion (i'tikaf).
• Jewish: many find rest in the Sabbath, and some follow the Hasidic practice of speaking to God alone in one's own words (hitbodedut), often outdoors.
• Nonreligious and humanist: many find meaning in reflective walks, journaling, nature, art and philosophy, from the Stoics to Thoreau.

If faith is part of your life, see religious and spiritual communities.

When alone time stops helping

If being alone mostly feels heavy, empty or frightening, or you're withdrawing from everyone, that's a sign to reach out, not to push through. See the loneliness trap, depression and loneliness and small first steps.