Finding people you fit with

Many people who feel alone wonder whether they just haven't found "their people". That is a fair question. Here is what research says about who ends up close, and how to give yourself the best chance.

What research says about who becomes close

Seeing each other often. People tend to become friends with those they see regularly: neighbors, classmates, coworkers, people at the same congregation or gym. One study estimated it takes about 50 hoursTime together it took to go from acquaintance to casual friend (Hall, University of Kansas, 2018)As of March 6, 2018.Estimates from surveys of adults who had moved and of new university students. Shared leisure time counted more than time working together.Source: University of Kansas: How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes together to become casual friends and more than 200 hoursTime together it took to become a close friend (Hall, University of Kansas, 2018)As of March 6, 2018.A rough estimate, not a fixed rule.Source: University of Kansas: How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes to become close friends. Being near each other, again and again, gives those hours a chance to add up.

Feeling similar. A 2008 review of 313Laboratory and field studies pooled in a 2008 meta-analysis of similarity and attraction (Montoya, Horton and Kirchner)As of December 1, 2008.Feeling similar (perceived similarity) predicted liking at least as well as actually being similar.Source: Montoya, Horton and Kirchner (2008), Is actual similarity necessary for attraction? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships studies found that people are drawn to those who seem similar to them. Interestingly, feeling that you are alike mattered at least as much as actually being alike. Shared values, a shared sense of humor and shared interests often matter more than matching personalities.

Shared values. Friends and partners who care about the same big things (how to treat people, faith or philosophy, family, honesty, how to spend time) tend to have an easier time over the years than people who only share tastes in music or films.

Responsiveness. Researchers who study close relationships keep finding the same thing: we feel closest to people who seem to get us and care. They listen, remember, and respond warmly when we share something. This is a skill anyone can practice. See conversation and listening skills.

Personality types and "compatibles"

You may have seen charts saying which Myers-Briggs types, Enneagram numbers or zodiac signs are "compatible". They can be fun to read. But no type chart has been shown to predict well who will make a good friend or partner.

Even with well-measured traits, matching personalities explains little. A large 2010 study of couples in Australia, the UK and Germany found that how similar partners' personalities were added almost nothing to how happy they were together. Each person's own traits mattered more, and even those explained only a small part.

So if a chart says someone is your "worst match", don't let it stop you. And if it says someone is your "perfect match", watch how they actually treat you.

Practical ways to find people you fit with

• Start with what you care about. Make a short list of your values and interests, then look for groups built around them: a choir, a hiking club, a volunteer shift, a faith group, a support group, a language exchange, a repair café. See groups, hobbies, classes and clubs, volunteering and religious and spiritual communities.
• Pick regular over one-time. A weekly group lets familiarity build. One-off events rarely lead to friendship on their own.
• Give it time. Go at least four to six times before deciding a group isn't for you.
• Notice who you look forward to seeing. That small spark is often a better sign than any test.
• Make the second move. After a few meetings, suggest coffee or a walk with one person. Most people are waiting for someone else to ask.
• Online, choose shared interests. Friendship and community apps can work, especially for niche interests. See friendship apps and online communities and dating apps.

Green flags in a friendship

• You feel more like yourself after spending time with them, not less.
• They are glad when good things happen to you.
• They keep small promises and tell you if they can't.
• You can disagree and still be friends.
• Effort goes both ways over time, even if not every week.
• They respect your "no".

Red flags in a friendship

• You often feel drained, anxious or small after seeing them.
• They only reach out when they need something.
• They share your private things with others or mock you behind your back.
• They try to cut you off from other friends or family.
• They pressure you to drink, use drugs, spend money or do things you don't want to.
• Online: someone you haven't met asks for money, gift cards, crypto or personal details, or moves fast toward love and secrets. These are common signs of a scam. Stop, and talk with someone you trust before sending anything.

One red flag doesn't always mean you should end a friendship. Talk about it if it feels safe. If someone makes you feel afraid, controls you, threatens you, or hurts you, that is not your fault, and you deserve help.