Lonely children and teens (for parents)

It hurts to think your child might be lonely. Many parents feel guilty, or worry they've missed something. Please don't blame yourself. Children and teens can feel alone for many reasons: a move, a falling-out with friends, a new school, being "different", anxiety, or just a hard stage. With patient support, most find their footing again.

This page is for parents and carers. If you are a teen yourself, see Teens and pre-teens.

Signs a child or teen may feel alone

• They rarely mention friends, or the same friends stop coming up.
• They're never invited to things, or they stop asking to go out.
• They dread school, weekends or holidays, or have lots of stomachaches on school mornings.
• They spend almost all their free time alone in their room or online.
• They seem sad, irritable or "flat", or say things like "nobody likes me."
• Their sleep, appetite or grades change.

Some children are simply happy with one or two friends, or with time alone. That's fine. What matters is whether they seem content or distressed.

How to talk about it

• Pick a low-pressure moment. Side-by-side times, like driving, walking the dog or washing dishes, feel less intense than a face-to-face "talk".
• Start with curiosity, not alarm. "What's lunchtime like these days?" works better than "Are you lonely?"
• Listen more than you speak. Resist the urge to fix it straight away.
• Name the feeling for them. "It sounds like you felt left out. That really hurts."
• Share a bit of your own story, if it fits: a time you felt left out, and what helped.
• Don't push for names or details. Let them know the door is open, and come back to it another day.
• Avoid "Just go talk to people!", "You're too picky", or comparing them to a sibling.

Screens: balance, not panic

Phones and games can both connect and isolate. A teen who games with friends online may be more connected than you think. A teen who scrolls alone at 2 a.m. may not be.

• Ask what they do online and who with, with interest rather than judgment.
• Agree on some screen-free times together, like meals and the hour before bed. Charging phones outside bedrooms at night helps sleep.
• Model it yourself.
• Watch for warning signs: online contacts asking for secrets, photos or meetings; or your child seeming upset after being online.

There's more in Screens, gaming, gambling, porn and other habits and Social media: what helps and what hurts.

Help them find their people

Friendships grow from doing things together, again and again.

• Follow their interests, not yours: robotics, art, drama, a sport, scouts, a youth group, chess, coding, music, animals, volunteering.
• Look for small, regular groups where they see the same kids each week.
• Try out low-cost options: libraries, parks and recreation programs, school clubs and faith-based youth groups are often free or cheap.
• Help with the first step. Offer to drive, go in with them the first time, or invite one classmate along.
• Host easy get-togethers. A pizza and a movie, a bike ride, or a game afternoon with one friend can be less scary than a big party.
• A trusted adult counts too. A coach, a youth leader, a relative or a mentor can make a big difference. Big Brothers Big Sisters (opens in a new tab) matches young people with volunteer adult mentors.

Work with the school

• Talk to the school counselor. They often know which kids are struggling, and can quietly pair your child with a buddy, invite them to a lunch group or a club, or suggest changes.
• Talk to the teacher. Ask what they see at recess, lunch and group work.
• Ask about clubs and activities that meet at school, so transport isn't a barrier.

Bullying

Loneliness and bullying often go together. Signs include lost or damaged belongings, unexplained injuries, avoiding school or certain places, sudden drops in grades, or seeming upset after using their phone.

If you suspect bullying:

• Stay calm, listen, and tell your child it's not their fault.
• Write down what happened, when and who was involved. Keep screenshots of online bullying.
• Contact the school in writing and ask what they will do. Follow up.
• Don't tell your child to fight back, and don't contact the other family in anger.
• If there are threats of violence or sexual images involved, contact the police.

When to get more help

Talk to your child's doctor or a mental health professional if:

• Sadness, worry or withdrawal lasts more than two weeks.
• They stop doing things they used to love.
• Sleep, eating or school are seriously affected.
• They hurt themselves, or talk about wanting to die or "disappear".

If you're worried about suicide, ask directly: "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Experts say asking does not put the idea in their head. If they say yes, stay with them and get help. In the U.S., call or text 988. If they're in immediate danger, call 911.

Lines your child can use

Make sure your child has these saved in their phone:

• 988, call or text, any time (U.S.). Teens can use it too.
• Teen Line: teens answering teens, with adult supervisors. Call 1-800-852-8336 from 6 to 10 p.m. Pacific, or text TEEN to 839863 from 6 to 9 p.m. Pacific.
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, any time.
• The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ young people): 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678, any time.

Look after yourself

Watching your child struggle is hard. Talk to a friend, your partner, another parent or a counselor. Your calm and steady presence is one of the most protective things a child can have.