After a breakup or divorce

The end of a relationship can feel like losing a whole world. It's not just one person. It can be a home, a routine, in-laws, a pet, shared friends, plans for the future, and the person you texted about everything. Even if you chose to leave, even if it was the right choice, the loneliness can be sharp.

This is a kind of grief. It comes in waves, and it gets easier with time and support.

What makes it so lonely

• The empty spaces. The side of the bed, the second coffee mug, the evening chat about your day.
• Shared friends. Some friends take sides or drift away because they feel awkward. Couple friends may stop inviting you.
• Family changes. You may lose contact with in-laws you loved.
• Moving. A new home, maybe a new town, without your old neighbors.
• Shame or embarrassment, which make you want to hide.
• Weekends and holidays alone, especially if children spend them with the other parent.

The first weeks

• Lean on people. Let friends and family know. Say yes when they offer.
• Keep basic routines: sleep, meals, a walk, work or school. They hold you up when everything else is shaky.
• Feel it. Crying, anger and numbness are all normal. You don't have to be "over it" on any schedule.
• Limit contact with your ex for a while if you can, especially checking their social media. Mute or unfollow if it keeps hurting.
• Don't make big decisions right away if they can wait.

Shared friends

It hurts when friends seem to choose a side. Some tips:

• Tell close friends you don't want them to choose. Many feel stuck and will be relieved.
• Avoid complaining about your ex to mutual friends. It pushes them away.
• Accept that some friendships will change. Put energy into those that feel warm.
• Start building some friendships that are just yours. See Making friends as an adult.

Co-parenting

If you share children, you'll stay connected to your ex in some way for years.

• Keep the kids out of the middle. Don't use them as messengers.
• A shared calendar or co-parenting app can keep talk focused on logistics.
• Plan for your child-free time, so those days don't become the loneliest ones: a class, a team, time with friends.
• Many communities and faith groups have divorce recovery or single-parent groups. See Support groups and peer support and New parents and single parents.

Men and women may feel it differently

Every person is different, but some patterns are common.

• Many men relied on a partner for most of their emotional support and social plans. After a split, they may find they have few close friends to call. A 2021 U.S. survey found that 15%U.S. men who said they had no close friends in 2021 (Survey Center on American Life)As of June 29, 2021.A fivefold increase since 1990. The 1990 survey was by phone and the 2021 survey online, which may affect answers.Source: Survey Center on American Life: Men's Social Circles Are Shrinking of men said they had no close friends. If that's you, reaching out to an old friend, joining a team or group, or seeing a counselor can make a big difference. See Midlife.
• Many women have wider friend networks but may carry more of the child care and money strain after a split, which leaves little time for themselves. Asking for practical help, and accepting it, matters.

Whatever your gender, you deserve support. Some people find a divorce or breakup support group, in person or online, helps them feel less alone.

Rebuilding

• Reconnect with old friends you saw less during the relationship. See Reconnecting.
• Try something that's yours: a class, a sport, a hobby you dropped.
• Make your home yours: move furniture, paint a wall, hang new pictures.
• Volunteer. Helping others pulls you out of your own head. See Volunteering.
• Talk to a counselor if you feel stuck. Many offer sliding-scale fees. See Getting help.

When to date again

There's no right timeline. Some signs you may be ready:

• You can think about your ex without strong anger or longing most days.
• You want to get to know someone new, not just fill the empty space.
• You'd be okay if a date didn't go anywhere.

Dating while you're still raw can lead to rebound relationships that hurt more. On the other hand, there's no need to wait a set number of months. If you do start, read Dating apps, including how to spot romance scams, which can target people after a loss.

If you're in danger

If your relationship involved abuse, or you're afraid of your ex, make a safety plan. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. See Need to talk right now? for more.

When it's more than heartbreak

If you're unable to sleep or eat, can't function at work, are drinking much more, or have thoughts of not wanting to live, please reach out now.