Being a good friend

You don't need to be funny, rich or outgoing to be a good friend. Most of friendship comes down to a few plain habits, repeated over time. This page is about those habits, and about a hopeful truth: being a good friend to others is one of the surest ways to feel less alone yourself.

Be reliable

Trust grows from small promises kept.

• Do what you say you'll do, and show up when you say you will.
• If you can't, say so early and offer another time.
• Don't make promises you can't keep just to be nice. "I can't this week, but how about the 15th?" is kinder than a last-minute cancel.

Reach out first

Many people wait to be invited. They worry they'll be a bother. Most of the time, the other person is waiting too.

• Send the first message, suggest the walk, make the call.
• Don't keep score too closely. In real friendships, one person often does more of the reaching out for a season, and that can shift.
• If someone never reaches back after several tries, it's fine to let it rest and put your energy elsewhere.

Friendship takes time together. One study estimated about 50 hoursTime together it took to go from acquaintance to casual friend (Hall, University of Kansas, 2018)As of March 6, 2018.Estimates from surveys of adults who had moved and of new university students. Shared leisure time counted more than time working together.Source: University of Kansas: How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes together to become casual friends and more than 200 hoursTime together it took to become a close friend (Hall, University of Kansas, 2018)As of March 6, 2018.A rough estimate, not a fixed rule.Source: University of Kansas: How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes to become close friends. Reaching out first is how those hours start.

Remember the details

People feel cared for when you remember what matters to them.

• After a conversation, jot a note in your phone: a job interview on Tuesday, a sick dog, a grandchild's name.
• Follow up: "How did the interview go?"
• Mark birthdays and hard anniversaries (such as the date someone died) in a calendar. A short message on a hard day means a lot.

The my people tool on this site lets you keep these notes privately in your own browser.

Say thank you

Tell people what they mean to you. A 2018 study found that people who wrote thank-you letters underestimated how surprised and happy the people they thanked would feel, and overestimated how awkward it would be. The person on the other end usually cares much more about the warmth than the wording.

Show up in hard times

When a friend is struggling, you don't need perfect words.

• Be specific. "Can I bring soup on Thursday?" works better than "Let me know if you need anything."
• Listen more than you advise. "That sounds really hard" is often enough. Ask before offering solutions.
• Keep showing up. Support often fades after the first few weeks of a loss or illness, just when the loneliness sets in. A message a month or two later can matter most.
• Know your limits. If a friend talks about wanting to die or is in danger, help them reach a crisis line, and get support for yourself too. See when someone you know is lonely and need to talk right now?

Repair after conflict

Every close friendship has bumps. Repair is what keeps it going.

• Cool down first, then reach out. A day or two is fine; weeks of silence can harden.
• Own your part in plain words: "I was short with you, and I'm sorry." No "but".
• Get curious: "What was that like for you?"
• Agree on something small to do differently next time.
• Let it be over once it's repaired. Don't keep bringing it back.

Not every friendship can or should be repaired. If someone repeatedly hurts or controls you, stepping back is healthy. See the red flags on finding people you fit with.

Helping others helps you

Loneliness can make us turn inward. Turning outward, even a little, often helps.

In a set of trials with more than 4,000Adults in the KIND Challenge trials in the U.S., UK and Australia (one act of kindness a week for four weeks)As of April 1, 2025.4,284 adults. Loneliness fell a small but real amount in the U.S. and UK groups, not in Australia.Source: The KIND Challenge community intervention to reduce loneliness and social isolation: an international randomized controlled trial (PMC) adults, people were asked to do at least one small act of kindness for a neighbor each week for four weeks. In the U.S. and UK groups, loneliness went down a small but real amount. Other research suggests kindness helps most when you actually connect with the person you help, rather than doing it anonymously.

Being a friend to someone else may be one of the most practical things you can do for your own loneliness. You also make the world a little less lonely for them.

Related pages

• Conversation and listening skills
• Reconnecting with family and old friends
• Volunteering