Autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent people

Many autistic people, people with ADHD, and others whose brains work differently say they have felt lonely for much of their lives. Some feel they never quite "got" the unwritten rules of friendship. Others have many acquaintances but feel no one really knows them. Some are tired out by trying to fit in.

None of this means something is wrong with you. Different ways of thinking and communicating are part of human variety. Often loneliness comes from a mismatch between you and the people or places around you, not from a lack in you.

A note on words

Neurodivergent is a broad word for people whose brains work differently from what is considered typical. It can include autistic people and people with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette's and more. You don't need a diagnosis to find this page useful.

People describe themselves in different ways. Many autistic people prefer identity-first language ("autistic person"), seeing autism as part of who they are. Others prefer person-first language ("person with autism" or "person with ADHD"). Both are used. The best guide is how each person describes themselves. This page uses a mix.

What can make it lonely

• Masking. Masking means hiding your natural ways of moving, talking or reacting so you fit in, for example forcing eye contact, copying others or holding back stimming. Many people say long-term masking is exhausting and leaves them feeling that no one knows the real them.
• Misunderstandings. Being direct can be taken as rude. Missing a hint or a joke can lead to awkwardness. Others may misread your face or tone.
• Sensory overload. Loud bars, crowded parties and bright rooms can make social events painful.
• Forgetting to keep in touch. With ADHD especially, people may forget to reply or lose track of time, and friends can take it personally.
• Rejection and bullying. Past hurt can make you wary of trying again.
• Needing more recovery time after socializing, which can look like "not wanting" friends.

Ways to connect that fit you

Interest-based groups

Shared interests can make conversation easier, because you always have something to talk about. Try:

• gaming groups, tabletop role-playing games, chess or puzzle clubs
• coding, maker or robotics groups
• fandom communities, conventions and online forums
• nature, birding, astronomy or train clubs
• crafts, art, music or writing groups

See Groups, hobbies, classes and clubs.

Structured activities

Many neurodivergent people find it easier when there's a clear purpose and plan. Volunteering, classes, sports with rules, choirs and quiz nights all give structure, so you don't have to make small talk from scratch. See Volunteering.

Neurodivergent-led communities

Being with people who think like you can bring huge relief. You can unmask, info-dump about your interests, or leave early without explaining.

• Neurodivergent-led groups, online or local, for autistic or ADHD adults. Look for groups run by and for neurodivergent people.
• The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (autisticadvocacy.org (opens in a new tab)) is a U.S. nonprofit run by and for autistic people, and shares resources and community links.
• Online spaces can suit people who prefer text over talk, or need time to reply. Choose moderated groups and protect your privacy. See Friendship apps and online communities.

One-to-one

Some people prefer one close friend to a group. That is a valid way to have friendship. Regular, predictable plans, such as a weekly walk or a game night with the same person, can work well.

Making friendships easier

• Tell people how you work, if you feel safe: "I'm not great at texting back, but I always want to hear from you." Or: "I'm direct; please tell me straight if something bothers you."
• Use reminders to keep in touch: a phone alert to message a friend every week.
• Choose places that suit your senses: quiet cafés, daytime events, walks, gaming at home.
• Plan recovery time after social events.
• Ask for clarity: "Did you mean that as a joke?" is a fine question.
• Look for your kind of people, not everyone. You don't need to be liked by all, only to find a few who get you. See Finding people you fit with.

Looking after yourself

Many neurodivergent people also live with anxiety, depression or burnout, often from years of masking or not being understood. If you feel worn out, low or hopeless, help that understands neurodivergence can make a big difference. Some therapists specialize in working with autistic and ADHD adults; it's fine to ask about their experience. See Getting help, Social anxiety and shyness and Being alone well.

If you are thinking about ending your life, please reach out now. See Need to talk right now?.