When someone you know is lonely

You may have noticed that someone you care about seems more alone than they used to. Maybe a friend went quiet after a divorce. Maybe a coworker eats lunch alone every day. Maybe your brother hasn't mentioned anyone in months.

You don't need special training to help. Most of what helps is simple: showing up, more than once, without making a big deal of it. Research suggests that people with stronger social ties have about 50%Higher likelihood of survival with stronger social relationships (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010)As of July 27, 2010.Pooled result of 148 studies with 308,849 people. The studies show a link; they cannot prove cause and effect.Source: Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton: Social Relationships and Mortality Risk, a Meta-analytic Review (PLOS Medicine, 2010) higher odds of survival over time than people with weaker ties. Your small, steady contact is part of that.

Signs someone may be feeling alone

People rarely say "I'm lonely." It can feel embarrassing. Instead you might notice:

• They talk about having no one to do things with, or say "everyone's busy".
• They turn down invitations they used to accept, or stop starting plans.
• They spend much more time online, gaming or watching TV, especially late at night.
• They seem eager to keep talking when you call, or keep you at the door.
• They have had a big change: a move, a breakup, a death, retirement, a new baby, a new job, an illness.
• They seem more tired, irritable, or down on themselves than usual.

None of these proves anything. They're just reasons to check in.

How to reach out without pity

People who feel alone often fear being a "charity case". So lead with interest, not rescue.

• Make it about you wanting their company. "I'd love your help choosing a gift" or "I miss our talks" lands better than "I worry you're lonely."
• Be specific. "Want to come over for soup on Thursday?" is easier to say yes to than "We should hang out sometime."
• Keep it small and low-pressure. A walk, a coffee, a quick call. Not a big party.
• Make it easy to say no. "No worries if not. I'll ask again soon." Then really do ask again.
• Don't take a "no" personally. People who have been alone a while may be out of practice, tired or anxious. Many need several invitations before they say yes.

Regular, low-pressure contact

One big gesture helps less than many small ones.

• Pick a rhythm you can keep: a Sunday call, a Tuesday text, a monthly lunch.
• Send small things: a photo that made you think of them, a news story, a "how did the appointment go?"
• Link it to something you already do: walk the dog together, shop together, watch the same game and text about it.
• Remember dates that may be hard, such as anniversaries of a death or the first holidays after a divorce.

Invite them into your life

The most useful thing may be to widen their circle, not just add yourself to it.

• Bring them along to things you already do: a class, a service, a volunteer shift, a game night, a family dinner.
• Introduce them to one or two people with something in common.
• Help them get to a group or class the first time; walking in alone is the hardest part. See Groups, hobbies, classes and clubs.
• Ask for their help. Being needed is a strong cure for feeling invisible.

How to listen

When they do open up, how you listen matters more than what you say.

• Put your phone away and give them your full attention.
• Ask open questions: "How have things really been?" "What's the hardest part?"
• Let silences happen. Don't rush to fill them.
• Reflect back what you heard: "It sounds like evenings are the worst."
• Ask before you advise: "Do you want ideas, or do you just want to vent?"

There's more in Conversation and listening skills.

What not to say

Even kind people say things that sting. Try to avoid:

• "Just get out more." (If it were that easy, they would.)
• "You should join a dating app." (Loneliness isn't always about a partner.)
• "But you have so many friends on Facebook!"
• "Everyone feels like that sometimes." (True, but it can feel dismissive.)
• "I know exactly how you feel." (Better: "I've felt something like that. Tell me about yours.")
• Anything that suggests it's their fault, or that they're "too much".

When to worry about depression or suicide

Loneliness and depression often go together. Watch for:

• Feeling hopeless, worthless or like a burden.
• Big changes in sleep, eating or energy that last more than two weeks.
• Pulling away from almost everyone.
• Drinking or using drugs more.
• Talking about death, giving things away, or saying goodbye.

If you're worried, ask directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Suicide prevention experts say asking does not plant the idea. It shows you can handle the answer.

If they say yes, or you're not sure, stay calm and stay with them. In the U.S., call or text 988 together. You can also call 988 yourself to ask how to help. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. See Need to talk right now? and Depression and loneliness.

Take care of yourself too

Helping someone through a lonely time can be draining, especially if it goes on for months.

• You don't have to be their only person. Gently help them build other links.
• Set limits you can keep. It's fine to say "I can't talk tonight, but I'll call you tomorrow."
• Talk to someone about how you're doing.
• If you start to feel alone yourself, the rest of this site is for you too.

For more on being there for people, see Being a good friend. If the person is an older relative, see Lonely older relatives; for a child or teen, see Lonely children and teens.